Friday, August 17, 2007

Low self esteem revelations

hmmmm I've been thinking about this a LOT lately.
My layout I did for DNTS made me admit a few things I had been denying a long time. But I also had a revelation in my sleep last night.
You see I hate people looking at me, even though I usually have a pink streak in my hair. The pink streak is like my cover, if they are looking at me then it's because of my hair- nothing else. I even hate getting compliments about my weight loss in the 'real' world, although I love it when I have had compliments online. How strange is that?
Whenever someone notices I feel very awkward and just fob it off, usually I deny it and say "No still the same as last time you saw me".
Anyway I was thinking last night and I realised a lot of things about my stupid self esteem issues. It's not so much what I think of ME it's more about what OTHERS think of me.
I know that is so stupid but it's reality. I was skinny right up until age 21. But from the age of 16 I was picked on everyday at school by a group of boys. They called me bush pig. Worst part is that I actually overheard them planning it.
I heard them all agree "From now on we'll call her bush pig every time we see her, never ever be nice to her and if she asks why it's because she's fat and she stinks" I thought to myself "that poor girl, how sad" then of course I realised it was me.
So of course I assumed I was fat because they all said I was. Mind you at the time I was only 42kg, I only know this because mum bought some digital scales at that time and I weighed myself. Back then I never even considered my weight, it wasn't even an issue so I neverweighed myself at all. And I remembered last night that another thing that made it even worse was that same year we went to expo in Brisbane. I was walking along with my dad one night and we walked past a group of boys and one yelled out "nice body" being sarcastic though. So pretty much from then on I covered up and dressed fat. And I just ate whatever I wanted to.
Well age 21 I started to gain weight and not long after I was up to 84kg. That's DOUBLE what I was in high school! Now of course I'm a lot lighter.
But it made me think about my body image and self esteem. I have never looked in the mirror and hated myself, I've just never really cared, I am what I am. It's more about how others see me, like that guy who yelled out and those boys at school. I'm happy with what I see in the mirror, I'm comfortable enough to walk around naked at home. But it's the outside world that I hate. I hate anyone looking at me. I always think they are judging me. I hate walking past groups of boys or men. I hate walking past skinny schoolgirls. I hate buying clothes where the assistants are all stick thin. Everyday I'm just waiting for the "nice body" or "bush pig" comments.
Sorry, that's my rant over for now. I have a whole other story about the blue dress yet to post.
And it's so stupid no matter how many nice comments I get about myself I just can't ever get past the past.
Plus I feel so guilty for making that page about myself. Because all those gorgeous girls have left me the nicest comments, but now I'm thinking they are thinking that I did it to get sympathy and praise............if that makes any sense?
Do you understand??? Oh I'm just all confused now.